16 posts tagged “life”
I can’t remember if it was on a movie, or a TV show that I had watched recently, but a character had asked something along the lines of:
If you could have the life that you wanted, what would it be like?
This question has had me thinking. I still have hope that I can get everything that I want out of life. The question, then is, just what do I imagine my perfect life to be like? There are many ways that I could answer this question, and with varying levels of descriptive detail, but I will give you the broad strokes in order to give you the general idea.
Work
I have decided to save the best for last, so I will start with work. To be honest, I could be happy doing many things. I have incredibly varied interests as anyone who knows me can attest. I would be really happy being a teacher again. I would be equally happy being a project manager for a software company. I wouldn’t mind working in astrophysics or graphic design either.
I really enjoyed teaching, and I could see it as something that would bring me a lot of happiness. If I could be a project manager, my dream job would be to work at Microsoft on the Zune or Xbox teams. I don’t think that I would ever get a job in astrophysics, but it is a field that I find to perhaps the most interesting of all. I spend an inordinate amount of free brain cycles thinking about the nature of the universe. I marvel at its complexity, size, and relevance. I don’t understand how anyone can’t be awestruck or intrigued by such a topic. But then again, I can’t understand how anyone can hate math either… The only other topic that comes close to time spent occupying my mind is brain function. That topic fascinates me, both because of its complexity, and my desire to understand the nature of human thought and behavior. I would rather keep these two topics as hobbies rather than careers however.
Eventually, when things would have settled down, I would like to open a graphic design and photography studio of my own. When I had the photography studio, it was an absolutely fantastic time in my life. I could be creative, I was my own boss, and I was successful with it. Adding graphic design to the mix would really amplify my creative side and satisfy my inner geek.
As disparate as all of those are, they do exemplify the type of person that I am. I enjoy many different things, but above all, I love learning. (Said the 10 year college student…lol) I love understanding. I love thinking about complex systems.
All of these paths share a common characteristic: they would allow me to support a family. I want to be able to make enough money so that my wife is free to pursue her interests. I don’t want her to feel like she has to work. If I am able to let her work or be active in her chosen field, or she is able to pursue her interests without worrying about financial matters, then it would make me very happy. I also feel that it would be good for the two of us.
Family
I brought it up, so I might as well talk about it. There isn’t an easy way to say this, so I guess that I will just say it: I can’t have kids. With that said, I still want to start and enjoy a family several years from now. I love kids. Hell, in many ways, I still am a kid. I would like to adopt a child or three with my wife when the time is right. I know that I could be a good father. I also have tremendous faith that my wife and I could provide a stable home where we could raise the kids well, and teach them to be good, caring, respectful people. And we would have the time of our lives doing it.
Love
I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. – Roy Croft
I have saved the best and most important thing for last. The only thing that matters to me…that really matters…is that I have a partner-a teammate-someone who loves me unconditionally and has my back through life’s ups and downs. I must admit that I am a completely different person when I have that. All of my insecurities, all of my worries are of no consequence to me, and in that, I am free to be happy. I am free to be me. The real me. I want to be able to show her…and the world…that side of me.
In this dream life, I see Anna by my side. In all my time, I have never met anyone who makes me feel like she does. I find her to be the most remarkable person that I have ever met. She inspires me. I am constantly taken aback by her compassion for others. She makes me laugh, and I find myself smiling at random times just thinking about her. I love being with her. How could I not want to experience life with her?
I know that she doesn’t feel the same way per se, but this is my fantasy life dammit. And I’ll do what I want. lol
So there you have it. The life I want in a nutshell. Now I need to formulate a plan on achieving it!
I’ve learned a few life lessons in my time, but perhaps the most useful one, the one that I would pass on to my kids, is that life will always throw you a curveball.
If you reflect back upon life, you realize that its a series of stages; some long, some short. Analogous to an at-bat in baseball, it is certain that during each one, life will throw you a curve ball. An unexpected event of varying levels of severity, curveballs are a part of life. Things may be going well, or they may be going poorly, but rest assured that as soon as you adapt and adjust to your current life situation, here comes that curve ball.
Just like in baseball, not many people can hit the curve. It strikes out a lot of batters. It works on the field the same way that it works in life: it gets you because it catches you off-guard. The best that many can hope for is to foul it off. Oftentimes, that is enough. If you can keep fouling it off, eventually you will get that fastball out over the plate.
Recently, I have been carrying around a notebook and a pen with me in order to write down whatever thoughts or notions pop into my head. I had originally planned it as a way to keep a log of upcoming blog posts, but it proved to be far more interesting than that. Ultimately, it proved an intimate snapshot of me for that period of time. I have been looking through these lately, and I am amazed at some of the things that I have written.
There are blog post ideas, sure. There are also phrases for Twitter, Facebook statuses, quotes, musings, article topics, website ideas, ideas for my book, and thoughts about more personal aspects of my life as well. What I find interesting is how different the musings from two consecutive days can be.
I know that a lot of it stems from what is going on in my personal relationships and what is happening with them. Its a fact I have yet to reconcile. I don’t even know where to begin. I should post about it tomorrow. I don’t mean to open up the personal floodgates, but you know what? F*ck it. I am going to do it anyway because I have some things to say.
I have to destroy myself if I am to have any chance of continuing on. It won’t be easy and it won’t be pretty.
I suck at dealing with things. I have been through hell and back several times, but despite this, there are many things that I have failed to learn. I consider this as a personal failure. I don’t know if it stems from how I grew up, if its from my viewpoint of the world, or what it is, but I seem to have a real problem dealing with things.
Typically, I have always avoided dealing with issues. I would busy myself most of the time either working, going to school, reading, movies; it doesn’t really matter. The point is that I have, and still do, avoid dealing with the majority of my issues. The real problem is that I avoid the most personal issues. It is these issues that have a direct bearing on how I live my life. On how I think…and feel. It shapes my life experience.
I avoid dealing with family issues. I have been letting them down for as long as I can remember. I have been letting myself down for even longer. I look upon myself as a heap of wasted potential. As someone who is afraid to stand up and be counted. I don’t consider myself a remarkable person, but I do consider myself someone who possesses the facilities to do remarkable things. And I have done nothing worthy of mention. I don’t fully understand why I avoid these things. Shame is a large part of it. I have avoided my family for a long time because I consider myself a failure. Truth be told, we were never a TV class family (do those even exist), but I can’t help but feel that I am a large part of that as well.
I also avoid dealing with the financial aspects of life. Things have happened in my life recently that have ultimately placed me in a financial position that I have never been in before. I don’t know if it’s the unfamiliarity of it, or if it is a level of fear and paranoia that has overtaken me, but this aspect of my life has me feeling terrible about myself as well. I understand that you can’t control job loss and layoffs, and that you can’t control medical bills, and as much as you would like to, you can’t really control whether or not those people that you decide to help out ever pay you back…but it affects me all the same. I feel like a failure in this regard as well. It wasn’t that long ago that I was doing well financially. Hell, this year has had more ups and downs that i ever thought possible. In the last year alone, I had two incredible jobs that a person could have been happy with and done very well for themselves and their families. Unfortunately, I lost those, as well as a job opportunity that I never would have dreamed possible. I must be honest, this has all done a lot to dampen my spirits.
I also avoid dealing with any sort of situation that may prove emotionally destructive. Certain things really affect me.
They affect me because I let them, and I happen to be very particular as to what those things or people are. When it comes to making decisions in regards to people, I fail miserably. It is this part of my life that affects me the most. I have only felt a connection with two people in my entire life. In one of those cases, things turned out terribly and it really affected me. At the time, she was the only person that I let gain insight into the real me. Into what I thought, and felt, and what made me me. As she went further down the rabbit hole, she became skittish and began to back off. To be honest, I can’t really blame her. How could I? I don’t like being me, how could I expect her to?
As fate would have it, I met someone absolutely amazing. I was pretty much floored from the beginning, and as time went on, I began to notice that I felt very differently about her. One of her most striking features is that she has the biggest heart of anyone that I had ever met. I can’t rehash the details (I don’t have it in me today…), but we ended up falling for each other. I was finally happy. Genuinely happy. As things progressed, naturally she wanted to know more about me. To my surprise, I was willing to share. After what had happened previously, I was rather shocked at how naturally it came. I am not going to lie, there were hiccups along the way, but all things considered, I would say it was rather smooth sailing. I am afraid that I took her too far out to sea however. As time went by, she began to distance herself. Eventually, it came to a point where she said that it was too much for her to deal with. I don’t want to get into the details, (although I probably should…see, there is that avoidance mechanism again), but I can’t express how bad this made me feel. In fact, I still haven’t really gained my footing from it. I had a feeling…a certainty of sorts…about her, and I let her get to know me more than anyone else on the entire planet. When I realized that it was too much to deal with, it broke my heart in a million pieces. It reaffirmed all my thoughts and fears that no one in this world could…or would…care about the real me. I can’t-and won’t-blame her. There isn’t a person alive that hates me, and how I am, more than I do. How could I blame her for not wanting to deal with that? You know what? I am going to cut this short. I can’t describe how this makes me feel or the impact that it has had on my life.
I made a promise. Sometimes, its a promise that I wish that I didn’t make. Going through this is, and has been hell. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am going to battle through however because of this promise. I have begun to wonder what that promise is worth however. I still hold onto the belief that a promise is a promise however. Its just getting harder and harder to retain these values in a life like this.
No, this isn’t my first programming exercise. This is a post about the real me and what is going on. I have been sick for several months now. I have been very sick, in fact, and I haven’t been able to shake it. In a terrible analogy, it feels like the Grim Reaper. No matter what you do, you can’t ever get rid of it.
If you know me, then you know that I am a private person. This is a problem for me because I seek to be a public person. These two sides clash, and they leave a wake of utter destruction in their path. I have a tendency to present a manufactured view of myself to people in the hopes that that is what they want. Here’s the rub: someone in my life was beginning to change that viewpoint of mine. I believed it so strongly, but as time went by, I began to notice that I didn’t feel so strongly about it anymore. In fact, I questioned its validity altogether. I never abandoned the idea altogether however. It had been established for too long of a period, and the effects that it had upon me during its formation were too deep to simply wipe away in a weekend.
When it comes to the real Jerry, I have only let two people in, and only one of them into my thought process. The reason for that, is that every single person in my life has left me. This is an undeniable fact. When I was growing up, I felt that way a lot, and it very much became a part of who I am. I met two people in my life who were able to change that deeply held belief. The first one won me over with her tempestuous behavior and the fact that I felt that she genuinely cared about me. I hadn’t experienced such a feeling before, and that made it all the stronger. There were however, many indicators along the way that this person wasn’t meant to be in my life either. I seen the indicators along the road, and I knew that she would leave someday.
The second person was a much more genuine thing. I was completely won over by how interesting she was. I had never met someone with such a big heart; the best way I can describe it is that she has a presence. I was in awe of her interests, her goals…it didn’t take long for her personality to win me over as well. The single most important thing, for me, about her was that I felt comfortable around her. I felt like I could tell her anything and that she would be there for me, because that is the kind of person she is. It was a feeling that I never had before, and I was very taken by her. In fact, she was taken by me for a little while as well. It was the single greatest feeling I have ever had, and to try and say how much it helped me through the hard times wouldn’t do it justice. Here was someone that I, Jerry Voelker, truly loved. It was everything about her, and it was how she made me feel.
As we began to develop a relationship, I began to let her into more aspects of my life. Typically, I don’t do that because the more people know about me, the faster they run away. But I felt like I could tell her anything. It was so liberating! Therein lies the problem: I told her too much. She never would admit to it in the beginning (because who would?), but I was always afraid that as she got to know me more and more, that she would leave. She denied this. Adamantly. I loved her, and I chose to believe her. This proved to be disastrous for her, for me, and for us.
I had placed a lot of things on her shoulders. I can’t express how sorry I am for doing that. I didn’t want to do it, but it was at her insistence that I tell her everything that I broke down those walls. It helped me on one hand, but on the other, it broke my heart. She tried to hide it, but I could tell that she was distancing herself. As this is, and has been my greatest fear, it put me into panic mode. Shit, just typing it now has increased my heartbeat 20 BPM. I didn’t want to be right. Not this time. If I was right, it meant that I was wrong. Could I have been wrong?
The moment that my heart broke may seem innocuous to anyone still reading this. We were talking about her and I. She was aware that I loved her, but she said something that tears me up just retyping it. She said that maybe all of my feelings towards her weren’t real. That perhaps I felt that way because I was looking for something. Wow.
My heart broke. I think what’s left, broke again just typing it. Not only did it create this feeling of how little my opinion matters…that perhaps I don’t know how I feel…it signaled that she clearly didn’t feel the same way. There is no way that you could say such a thing to someone that you love. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to do anything. Fuck work. Fuck school. Fuck the doctor. Fuck all. I did my best to keep going however. There was some good news at the time. I couldn’t help but feel that me being sick was the largest factor into why she didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I was getting better, so perhaps…
That wouldn’t be the case however. She felt extremely distant. She quit talking about herself to me, and her conversations only centered around how I was doing. Once that information was taken care of, that was it. I would like to make clear that this wasn’t every time, but it was on just over 80% of our conversations since I began to feel better. It broke my heart that someone, and something that I loved so much would fade away. My efforts to prevent it only sped its demise it appeared.
This is getting really long, but its my final post, so I urge you to continue reading. I won’t ruminate how I feel, because what is the point ultimately? The bottom line is always the bottom line. And the facts remain the facts. I do not like them, but I can’t change them either.
As for her, we had a conversation last night. I felt terrible how it ended. I had implied that she was a bitch (never said it, and never will, or could in a trillion years, because I don’t believe it). All that I was trying to say was that her matter-of-factness style combined with her abrupt ending of the conversation had a negative tone. I was trying to say that that part didn’t help me any. But, I ultimately failed and made it worse. How am I suppose to feel? Someone whom I love, who is my friend, doesn’t want me to talk to them about what is on my mind? I understand that it is late, that I often ramble and get nowhere, and that I probably say things to hurt…a ha…there you have it I suppose. If you ever read this, I know it sounds cliché and all, but I have no reason to lie to you. I never mean to hurt you. Oftentimes, I just talk and things may not come out right. Its just how I am. This causes problems in our communication channel. Whereas I just go and go and go, you stop and filter (or don’t say) things, and each style gets under the others’ skin.
If you are reading this, then I sincerely apologize for putting all of this weight on your shoulders alone. You don’t know how sorry I am. It is easily the worst feeling that I have ever experienced. I decided to tell a couple of people. I know that this won’t be good enough for you, but I am aware of all my shortcomings there. I picked up the phone last night and I called both Lori and Renee. I told them the whole story. I still can’t help but feel that if I was stronger, then I wouldn’t have to worry anyone with any of this. But I am not. With that said, then I will see how far down this path I can get.
If she is reading this, then I would like to thank her for all that she has done for me. I could never explain it in a blog post, but it enabled me to get through one of the worst times in my life. She may trivialize it, but I know that I love her. It breaks my heart that she doesn’t believe me, but it is the only thing that I am certain of. Its the only thing. My love for her burns deeply inside, so strong. I feel like a fool. I feel hurt. I feel scared. I am facing something so big, so scary…something that doesn’t seem to be able to be killed…and I am afraid that I am not up to the task.
I thank you will all my heart. You and your family showed me something that I never seen before. And it was splendid.
Men and women are inherently different. It has always fascinated me the differences in both thought patterns and behavior between the sexes. Surely, part of this reason is tied to genetic makeup as different species exhibit similar characteristics. As humans, however, we are susceptible to influences outside our genetic predispositions that clearly affect our behavior. I’m curious as to the effects that these have on our behavior.
The dynamics of the relationships between males and females are very different. Relationships between females are really quite interesting to me as I have never really been involved with them in any real capacity.
The experiences for males and for females are really quite different. We live in a society that places a lot of pressure on people of either sex. An idea occurred to me the other day while I was zoning out staring at some code on the monitors. The idea was that males are on edge only when they are around females, particularly females whom they find attractive. It would appear to me however, that females are on edge all of the time. They are on edge around males whom they find attractive, and around other females as well. I believe that this is why females develop close relationships with males with whom there is no sexual attraction. The level of comfort afforded by this relationship due to the lack of pressure upon the female only further increases this bond.
In the next week or so, I intend to dive into this issue and explore it much further. I want to know what affect does this have on the psyche, the behavior, and the relationships of people. I apologize for the half-ass intro to this topic, but I have a fever over 101°.
So without further ado, bring on Monday.
I have been acutely aware of my thought process over the years, as well as the calamity it tends to leave in its wake. Given their obvious familiarity however, I tend to overlook these facets of myself.
It was recently brought to my attention how counter-productive and damaging that thought process can be. Periodically, this will happen, and I will ponder its consequences, vow to change them, and then as time goes on, I will have done nothing other than maintain the status quo. I often wonder whether or not I can change...
This brings me to the question (and topic of an upcoming blog post) of whether my thought process has been forged by nature or if it has been formed by my experiences. I will explore some of the biochemistry and prevailing thoughts on that topic in the aforementioned upcoming post.
The bottom line is always the bottom line, and the point that I wanted to address in this post was that if I don't change my thought process, then I will never have anyone or anything in my life to any significant or measureable degree. The need for a change to this behavior is obvious, yet I struggle to effectively change it.
With what any normal person would deem reasonable cause, I tend to be a fairly pessimistic person...in spite of my efforts to be otherwise. Naturally, this frustrates the jovial individuals based on the dichotomy of the situation. The main problem that I have related to this is that my percieved negativity wears down even the mightiest of souls.
What frustrates me has always been my inability to effectively explain the basis for my thoughts and actions. Perhaps its due to my intimate familiarity about them, but the truth is that I am rather dumbfounded. My attempts at explanation are completely ineffective and I don't know if this is because I can't explain them well, or if they fall on deaf ears. What I do know is that if I don't figure it out soon, then I might as well give up.
I am sure that I am not alone in the stress department lately. I have several friends without jobs currently, and I am sure that they are, or very soon will be, in dire straits. I am not quite in that boat yet, but it is a boat with a large hole in it. I have alot to do the next couple of weeks, but today is not the day for me to do so. I am exhausted. For those that know me, you are aware that this goes against my Type A personality. IDK if it has been the working so much lately, or the stress of life these past few weeks.
I love my job (shockingly...lol), but there has been rumblings that they may implement a new program that will cost me about $400 a week. I am facing huge medical bills, on top of my usual $1300 in bills. Oh, don't forget the $350 in gas, and then there is food...idk. Its not bad, but it is stressful. Actually, in roughly a month or so, I should be out from this financial raincloud over my head.
School is another matter. I obsess over getting 97% in all of my classes, and that isn't possible this time around. I still hope to achieve an A, but I won't be able to score as well as I thought. I am way behind on my readings which is what stresses me out the most about school. It may sound messed up, but I can't wait for this term to be over. Two more weeks...
So I am going to engage in a bit of stress relief tonight. I can't really afford the time to do so, but I really need to recharge my batteries. So I am going to watch a movie. Its called A Beautiful Country (I think...idk. Its on my Netflix instant streaming list). I can't wait! Perhaps then I will read myself to sleep...again...
I actually have a list of about 7 different things that I have wanted to blog about, so I am just going to pick one...
Left Behind
So the winner is Left Behind. TA DA!
I can't help but feel that life has passed me by. I am aware that these feelings are mired in selfishness...I should be happy for people leading happy, interesting lives. I am going to be a dick for a minute however, so please bear with me. I look around me at my friends and I realize that I haven't done shit with my life. I have friends who have went to spring break, friends who have travelled across country by car, by plane...I have friends who do this on a whim! I have friends who have lived all over the world. They go out to parties on the weekends and some even go out during the week! I have friends who have friends...
Let me explain that last statement as it is a bit quixotic. I don't have friends in the classical sense as it were. Its through my actions, outlook and behavior that I don't, so don't get the impression that I am complaining. I have many acquaintances, but I don't have one of THOSE friends anymore. But rather than dive into that, I will simply say that because I don't do anything social (MY FAULT), it logically follows that I wouldn't have much in the friends department. Essentially, I spend all of my time in solitude. I am either working, attending to college issues, surfing the internet, or watching the occasional movie.
What I want to blog about is this feeling I have that life has passed my by. I am at a stage in my life where all of the people I know that are my age are married and/or parents. I can't help but feel left out of this part of life currently as I have a few friends (yes...I am aware of the irony. Its merely easier) whom are currently pregnant. I have a sister-in-law who is expecting, and three of my friends have had babies in the past year or so. I knew quite awhile ago that I couldn't have kids, so while this still stings sometimes, it isn't as bad as it used to be.
Many of my friends are younger (as I am still a 15 year old mentally! lol) and they are busy experiencing life in the way that I always wanted to! They are traveling to places I wanted to go to, and doing things that I have always wanted to do! On one hand, I am very happy for them! How could I not be? But to be honest, the other hand is sad, angry, and a little depressed that my life has turned out this way.
The salt in the wound so to speak is that I don't have anything to show for it really. I have been in college for 10+ years, I don't have a house of my own, nor any significant possessions after the fire. I realized that while I don't mind my new job (and am happy to have one!), it isn't something that I am passionate about. I want a job that I LOVE and one that I would be more than happy to work at for 15+ hours! It just doesn't feel like work when you love the job and the people. I live near where I was born, and other than my long commute to work or even longer one to school, I haven't been anywhere. The worst part? It isn't in my future any time soon...screw it...I am listening to the last 1up Yours and I am going to cry.
I don't want to be one of those...you know, one of those teachers who creates a lesson plan and does the same thing for the next 20 years. I have always lacked respect for such teachers and have derided them (publicly) as lazy and inept. I am terrified that I will become one of them. Given that I teach an introductory course, I don't have as much leeway as a professor in advanced level classes. I am trying to find ways to create fresh and fun ways to learn concepts related to programming. Each new class represents a new opportunity, and I'll be damned if I am going to be one of those teachers who rests on his laurels...
I also realize that I must be some sort of damned fool...I am still enrolled full-time at grad school (in an accelerated program no less) while teaching, and working two jobs. I haven't been feeling the best lately, but if I take a second to look at it, I realize that I must be out of my mind! I will be working about 60 hours a week between the jobs, about 40 teaching, and the rest of my time will be devoted towards schooling! How the heck am I going to squeeze a life out of that!?
With that said, I am still very glad to be working. Many of my friends are not so lucky as of late. I have to admit that my situation was rather dire as well. If it wasn't for getting that job the other day, I would have had to drop out of school in order to pay for my bills. That would have sucked because I would have been put back on the waiting list and it would have delayed my plans for another 2 years! As someone who has been going to college for 10 years (OMG!...so sad...), I can't afford another delay.
