19 posts tagged “anna”
I am going to Titan.
I can’t remember if it was on a movie, or a TV show that I had watched recently, but a character had asked something along the lines of:
If you could have the life that you wanted, what would it be like?
This question has had me thinking. I still have hope that I can get everything that I want out of life. The question, then is, just what do I imagine my perfect life to be like? There are many ways that I could answer this question, and with varying levels of descriptive detail, but I will give you the broad strokes in order to give you the general idea.
Work
I have decided to save the best for last, so I will start with work. To be honest, I could be happy doing many things. I have incredibly varied interests as anyone who knows me can attest. I would be really happy being a teacher again. I would be equally happy being a project manager for a software company. I wouldn’t mind working in astrophysics or graphic design either.
I really enjoyed teaching, and I could see it as something that would bring me a lot of happiness. If I could be a project manager, my dream job would be to work at Microsoft on the Zune or Xbox teams. I don’t think that I would ever get a job in astrophysics, but it is a field that I find to perhaps the most interesting of all. I spend an inordinate amount of free brain cycles thinking about the nature of the universe. I marvel at its complexity, size, and relevance. I don’t understand how anyone can’t be awestruck or intrigued by such a topic. But then again, I can’t understand how anyone can hate math either… The only other topic that comes close to time spent occupying my mind is brain function. That topic fascinates me, both because of its complexity, and my desire to understand the nature of human thought and behavior. I would rather keep these two topics as hobbies rather than careers however.
Eventually, when things would have settled down, I would like to open a graphic design and photography studio of my own. When I had the photography studio, it was an absolutely fantastic time in my life. I could be creative, I was my own boss, and I was successful with it. Adding graphic design to the mix would really amplify my creative side and satisfy my inner geek.
As disparate as all of those are, they do exemplify the type of person that I am. I enjoy many different things, but above all, I love learning. (Said the 10 year college student…lol) I love understanding. I love thinking about complex systems.
All of these paths share a common characteristic: they would allow me to support a family. I want to be able to make enough money so that my wife is free to pursue her interests. I don’t want her to feel like she has to work. If I am able to let her work or be active in her chosen field, or she is able to pursue her interests without worrying about financial matters, then it would make me very happy. I also feel that it would be good for the two of us.
Family
I brought it up, so I might as well talk about it. There isn’t an easy way to say this, so I guess that I will just say it: I can’t have kids. With that said, I still want to start and enjoy a family several years from now. I love kids. Hell, in many ways, I still am a kid. I would like to adopt a child or three with my wife when the time is right. I know that I could be a good father. I also have tremendous faith that my wife and I could provide a stable home where we could raise the kids well, and teach them to be good, caring, respectful people. And we would have the time of our lives doing it.
Love
I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. – Roy Croft
I have saved the best and most important thing for last. The only thing that matters to me…that really matters…is that I have a partner-a teammate-someone who loves me unconditionally and has my back through life’s ups and downs. I must admit that I am a completely different person when I have that. All of my insecurities, all of my worries are of no consequence to me, and in that, I am free to be happy. I am free to be me. The real me. I want to be able to show her…and the world…that side of me.
In this dream life, I see Anna by my side. In all my time, I have never met anyone who makes me feel like she does. I find her to be the most remarkable person that I have ever met. She inspires me. I am constantly taken aback by her compassion for others. She makes me laugh, and I find myself smiling at random times just thinking about her. I love being with her. How could I not want to experience life with her?
I know that she doesn’t feel the same way per se, but this is my fantasy life dammit. And I’ll do what I want. lol
So there you have it. The life I want in a nutshell. Now I need to formulate a plan on achieving it!
After having deleted three separate expositions, how about I just forget about it.
There was a woman that I loved. I loved more than anything. For anyone who has REALLY been in love, you know the feeling I am talking about. It turns out she doesn't (and likely hasn't) feel that way about me.
There is something that really bothers me about it all however. If she ever comes across this, I hope that she considers this in her memories. In the beginning things were great. They were great in part (in large part) because I felt a sense of security in the relationship. I felt that there was a firm base to build upon. She cared about me, and it was obvious to me. As time went on, her opinion and actions changed and suddenly there wasn't that steady foundation feeling for me to stand on. This proved to be a fundamental change in the relationship.
Suddenly, all of my thoughts and feelings were tainted with doubt. Naturally, this affected my behavior, thoughts, and actions. I went from building a strong relationship to trying to repair a relationship. I'm not saying its right; I'm not saying I'm right. I am saying that this is what happened to me and my mindset.
Here's the rub...and this breaks my heart. I feel that she is making her decision based upon someone who isn't really me. Recently, she said that she figured me out, and I couldn't help but think that that was impossible. It was impossible because she hadn't seen the real me in 8 months. Who knows, perhaps she did, she is an amazing woman, but I don't find it plausible. It breaks my heart that has decided that she doesn't want to be with me based upon false information. JC It breaks my heart...
Its certainly possible that I have it all wrong. I don't have all the answers. I don't know if I have any anymore. Its entirely possible that she really doesn't like me anymore. Its possible that how I have dealt with being sick and all of that turned her away. Perhaps being sick turned her away. All I can do is speculate at this point. And that's all there is to it I suppose. It hurts more than I can say to be rejected for someone who isn't even me, but I have no options, and no way to fix it.
I suck at dealing with things. I have been through hell and back several times, but despite this, there are many things that I have failed to learn. I consider this as a personal failure. I don’t know if it stems from how I grew up, if its from my viewpoint of the world, or what it is, but I seem to have a real problem dealing with things.
Typically, I have always avoided dealing with issues. I would busy myself most of the time either working, going to school, reading, movies; it doesn’t really matter. The point is that I have, and still do, avoid dealing with the majority of my issues. The real problem is that I avoid the most personal issues. It is these issues that have a direct bearing on how I live my life. On how I think…and feel. It shapes my life experience.
I avoid dealing with family issues. I have been letting them down for as long as I can remember. I have been letting myself down for even longer. I look upon myself as a heap of wasted potential. As someone who is afraid to stand up and be counted. I don’t consider myself a remarkable person, but I do consider myself someone who possesses the facilities to do remarkable things. And I have done nothing worthy of mention. I don’t fully understand why I avoid these things. Shame is a large part of it. I have avoided my family for a long time because I consider myself a failure. Truth be told, we were never a TV class family (do those even exist), but I can’t help but feel that I am a large part of that as well.
I also avoid dealing with the financial aspects of life. Things have happened in my life recently that have ultimately placed me in a financial position that I have never been in before. I don’t know if it’s the unfamiliarity of it, or if it is a level of fear and paranoia that has overtaken me, but this aspect of my life has me feeling terrible about myself as well. I understand that you can’t control job loss and layoffs, and that you can’t control medical bills, and as much as you would like to, you can’t really control whether or not those people that you decide to help out ever pay you back…but it affects me all the same. I feel like a failure in this regard as well. It wasn’t that long ago that I was doing well financially. Hell, this year has had more ups and downs that i ever thought possible. In the last year alone, I had two incredible jobs that a person could have been happy with and done very well for themselves and their families. Unfortunately, I lost those, as well as a job opportunity that I never would have dreamed possible. I must be honest, this has all done a lot to dampen my spirits.
I also avoid dealing with any sort of situation that may prove emotionally destructive. Certain things really affect me.
They affect me because I let them, and I happen to be very particular as to what those things or people are. When it comes to making decisions in regards to people, I fail miserably. It is this part of my life that affects me the most. I have only felt a connection with two people in my entire life. In one of those cases, things turned out terribly and it really affected me. At the time, she was the only person that I let gain insight into the real me. Into what I thought, and felt, and what made me me. As she went further down the rabbit hole, she became skittish and began to back off. To be honest, I can’t really blame her. How could I? I don’t like being me, how could I expect her to?
As fate would have it, I met someone absolutely amazing. I was pretty much floored from the beginning, and as time went on, I began to notice that I felt very differently about her. One of her most striking features is that she has the biggest heart of anyone that I had ever met. I can’t rehash the details (I don’t have it in me today…), but we ended up falling for each other. I was finally happy. Genuinely happy. As things progressed, naturally she wanted to know more about me. To my surprise, I was willing to share. After what had happened previously, I was rather shocked at how naturally it came. I am not going to lie, there were hiccups along the way, but all things considered, I would say it was rather smooth sailing. I am afraid that I took her too far out to sea however. As time went by, she began to distance herself. Eventually, it came to a point where she said that it was too much for her to deal with. I don’t want to get into the details, (although I probably should…see, there is that avoidance mechanism again), but I can’t express how bad this made me feel. In fact, I still haven’t really gained my footing from it. I had a feeling…a certainty of sorts…about her, and I let her get to know me more than anyone else on the entire planet. When I realized that it was too much to deal with, it broke my heart in a million pieces. It reaffirmed all my thoughts and fears that no one in this world could…or would…care about the real me. I can’t-and won’t-blame her. There isn’t a person alive that hates me, and how I am, more than I do. How could I blame her for not wanting to deal with that? You know what? I am going to cut this short. I can’t describe how this makes me feel or the impact that it has had on my life.
I made a promise. Sometimes, its a promise that I wish that I didn’t make. Going through this is, and has been hell. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am going to battle through however because of this promise. I have begun to wonder what that promise is worth however. I still hold onto the belief that a promise is a promise however. Its just getting harder and harder to retain these values in a life like this.
No, this isn’t my first programming exercise. This is a post about the real me and what is going on. I have been sick for several months now. I have been very sick, in fact, and I haven’t been able to shake it. In a terrible analogy, it feels like the Grim Reaper. No matter what you do, you can’t ever get rid of it.
If you know me, then you know that I am a private person. This is a problem for me because I seek to be a public person. These two sides clash, and they leave a wake of utter destruction in their path. I have a tendency to present a manufactured view of myself to people in the hopes that that is what they want. Here’s the rub: someone in my life was beginning to change that viewpoint of mine. I believed it so strongly, but as time went by, I began to notice that I didn’t feel so strongly about it anymore. In fact, I questioned its validity altogether. I never abandoned the idea altogether however. It had been established for too long of a period, and the effects that it had upon me during its formation were too deep to simply wipe away in a weekend.
When it comes to the real Jerry, I have only let two people in, and only one of them into my thought process. The reason for that, is that every single person in my life has left me. This is an undeniable fact. When I was growing up, I felt that way a lot, and it very much became a part of who I am. I met two people in my life who were able to change that deeply held belief. The first one won me over with her tempestuous behavior and the fact that I felt that she genuinely cared about me. I hadn’t experienced such a feeling before, and that made it all the stronger. There were however, many indicators along the way that this person wasn’t meant to be in my life either. I seen the indicators along the road, and I knew that she would leave someday.
The second person was a much more genuine thing. I was completely won over by how interesting she was. I had never met someone with such a big heart; the best way I can describe it is that she has a presence. I was in awe of her interests, her goals…it didn’t take long for her personality to win me over as well. The single most important thing, for me, about her was that I felt comfortable around her. I felt like I could tell her anything and that she would be there for me, because that is the kind of person she is. It was a feeling that I never had before, and I was very taken by her. In fact, she was taken by me for a little while as well. It was the single greatest feeling I have ever had, and to try and say how much it helped me through the hard times wouldn’t do it justice. Here was someone that I, Jerry Voelker, truly loved. It was everything about her, and it was how she made me feel.
As we began to develop a relationship, I began to let her into more aspects of my life. Typically, I don’t do that because the more people know about me, the faster they run away. But I felt like I could tell her anything. It was so liberating! Therein lies the problem: I told her too much. She never would admit to it in the beginning (because who would?), but I was always afraid that as she got to know me more and more, that she would leave. She denied this. Adamantly. I loved her, and I chose to believe her. This proved to be disastrous for her, for me, and for us.
I had placed a lot of things on her shoulders. I can’t express how sorry I am for doing that. I didn’t want to do it, but it was at her insistence that I tell her everything that I broke down those walls. It helped me on one hand, but on the other, it broke my heart. She tried to hide it, but I could tell that she was distancing herself. As this is, and has been my greatest fear, it put me into panic mode. Shit, just typing it now has increased my heartbeat 20 BPM. I didn’t want to be right. Not this time. If I was right, it meant that I was wrong. Could I have been wrong?
The moment that my heart broke may seem innocuous to anyone still reading this. We were talking about her and I. She was aware that I loved her, but she said something that tears me up just retyping it. She said that maybe all of my feelings towards her weren’t real. That perhaps I felt that way because I was looking for something. Wow.
My heart broke. I think what’s left, broke again just typing it. Not only did it create this feeling of how little my opinion matters…that perhaps I don’t know how I feel…it signaled that she clearly didn’t feel the same way. There is no way that you could say such a thing to someone that you love. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to do anything. Fuck work. Fuck school. Fuck the doctor. Fuck all. I did my best to keep going however. There was some good news at the time. I couldn’t help but feel that me being sick was the largest factor into why she didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I was getting better, so perhaps…
That wouldn’t be the case however. She felt extremely distant. She quit talking about herself to me, and her conversations only centered around how I was doing. Once that information was taken care of, that was it. I would like to make clear that this wasn’t every time, but it was on just over 80% of our conversations since I began to feel better. It broke my heart that someone, and something that I loved so much would fade away. My efforts to prevent it only sped its demise it appeared.
This is getting really long, but its my final post, so I urge you to continue reading. I won’t ruminate how I feel, because what is the point ultimately? The bottom line is always the bottom line. And the facts remain the facts. I do not like them, but I can’t change them either.
As for her, we had a conversation last night. I felt terrible how it ended. I had implied that she was a bitch (never said it, and never will, or could in a trillion years, because I don’t believe it). All that I was trying to say was that her matter-of-factness style combined with her abrupt ending of the conversation had a negative tone. I was trying to say that that part didn’t help me any. But, I ultimately failed and made it worse. How am I suppose to feel? Someone whom I love, who is my friend, doesn’t want me to talk to them about what is on my mind? I understand that it is late, that I often ramble and get nowhere, and that I probably say things to hurt…a ha…there you have it I suppose. If you ever read this, I know it sounds cliché and all, but I have no reason to lie to you. I never mean to hurt you. Oftentimes, I just talk and things may not come out right. Its just how I am. This causes problems in our communication channel. Whereas I just go and go and go, you stop and filter (or don’t say) things, and each style gets under the others’ skin.
If you are reading this, then I sincerely apologize for putting all of this weight on your shoulders alone. You don’t know how sorry I am. It is easily the worst feeling that I have ever experienced. I decided to tell a couple of people. I know that this won’t be good enough for you, but I am aware of all my shortcomings there. I picked up the phone last night and I called both Lori and Renee. I told them the whole story. I still can’t help but feel that if I was stronger, then I wouldn’t have to worry anyone with any of this. But I am not. With that said, then I will see how far down this path I can get.
If she is reading this, then I would like to thank her for all that she has done for me. I could never explain it in a blog post, but it enabled me to get through one of the worst times in my life. She may trivialize it, but I know that I love her. It breaks my heart that she doesn’t believe me, but it is the only thing that I am certain of. Its the only thing. My love for her burns deeply inside, so strong. I feel like a fool. I feel hurt. I feel scared. I am facing something so big, so scary…something that doesn’t seem to be able to be killed…and I am afraid that I am not up to the task.
I thank you will all my heart. You and your family showed me something that I never seen before. And it was splendid.
Oh man! There is so much on my plate atm! I am getting used to the change in my routine. I am back to driving more than 1000 miles each week and spending a fortune on gas! I committed myself to being more productive with my time. If I have a block of free time, then I need to spend it either doing homework, learning from Kelby Training or Lynda.com, or accomplishing all of the things on my to do list for the day! ONLY THEN can I make some time for entertainment. I want to be a better person. I have my reasons...
I am sorta stressed out the past week or so. Due to something out of my control, I am staring down the barrel of some massive debt. I won't go into my tirade about how the medical industry and the insurance industry are in cahoots in some sick game that drives up health costs, but it truly is frustrating. I need to sort this all out.
I want to wish my good friend Lori Weinert a happy birthday! :-) The big ol' 2-5! Congratulations woman! Cheers!
As I sit here in front of the computer, I realize that I have alot to reflect on this year. In many ways, absolutely nothing has changed from last year. I still live in the same apartment, still work at the same job, go to the same school, travel the same route all the time...my routine is well-established. I still don't see much of my family, and not near enough of my nephew. I marvel at the routine of my life sometimes. For example:
I get up and do the school thing. I then head to work, where I drone on in a job that I no longer enjoy. I don't work there much anymore, but it still is demoralizing. When I get home, I hop on the internet and open up a couple of saved sessions in Opera (Technology, Photography) and I peruse the same 9 misc. sites each night. I do this until midnight or so, then I do homework for 2-3 hours. If I am not tired, then I may watch some TV or play some Xbox 360. This routine is, rather sadly, what my life is like each day.
It may be more exciting than that, but it doesn't feel like it. There are some differences as well. What is interesting, to me at least, is that the differences are (generally) improvements in my life.
Let's see...I am now a college professor. Those who know me may scoff, and joke that since I have been going to college for 10 years, they figured they might as well hire me, and they may be right. But I really do enjoy teaching. I am still enrolled in grad school (yes, still...I collect degrees), and that is where all of the money that I make from teaching goes towards. The downside is that given my current situation, I really could use that money to pay bills. I am forced to make a choice between dropping out and going back on the waiting list and being able to pay my bills. I have been applying for other jobs like crazy (24+), but I haven't had any luck. I seem to be getting alot of "If you are a college professor, why do you want to work for $10 an hour?" How about because I have to make ends meet!? Grrrr....
The Muffins are gone. While we had our differences, I do miss them. My place isn't as lively without them around. And it is quite large for one person. Even a geek like me. That fucking retard Jason is finally out of here (I hate him!!!), and I don't miss his slobby/don't pay bills ass. I apologize for cursing, but its been quite the day already today. I lost a few people in my life this year that make me sad: Sam, Lori, Jody, Doug...
Nee is back down south. She has known me for what is essentially my whole life. There was a familiarity there that I don't have elsewhere. Her and I were the same person, just in different shells. I miss having her around terribly. (Especially now woman! I have a major problem, and I need your advice! hmph...)
I met a woman who makes me feel better than I ever have before. I can think about her and nothing else matters. She makes me so happy. At the risk of jinxing things, I would be happy if she and I were to grow old together. That would make me the happiest person alive. It isn't an entirely rosy picture, as she doesn't feel the same way however. It could just be an issue of bad timing, it could just be that I am living in a fantasy land once again, or it could just be that I want it so bad...but she definately doesn't think of me that way. I had said something, not intentionally, something just slipped out, and she made it quite clear that she doesn't like me thinking long-term about this. Wow...when I write it out like that, it really just kinda hits me...
Bah...I can't do anything about what she thinks or feels about me. But I truly do love her. I am actually in love with someone. And I am going to celebrate that fact.
As I look forward to 2009, it is with cautious optimism, both in my personal life, and in our society as well. I am hopeful that Obama will make positive changes for our country. He has shown great initiative already, and while everything may not be a choice that I agree with, I am truly amazed that we may actually have a government that does SOMETHING. I just hope it is something positive. I hope that he hasn't inherited a situation that is too grave to dig out of.
I hope for reform of Wall St. practices, our education system, drug education policies, and a return to a focus on infrastructure in our country. It is unfortunate that half the world wants to kill each other, but I think it best if we focus on our citizen's for the time being. The concept of a world police, cannot be something that is dragged into war-type conflicts. Nor should it be something used for political posturing and agenda-realization.
I hope that our economy turns around. I know too many people without a job, and their situation is grim. While my own is fast approaching their status, I truly hope that a rebound is fast approaching. With my economic understanding however, I wouldn't anticipate this. It is with this grim realization that I feel our situation will get worse before it gets better. I wish us all the best.
With that in mind, I truly hope that we can come together as people and take advantage of something that no entity, government, or person can ever take away from us: the human spirit. Humans are capable of tremendous things when we come together. I hope that we can all come together, form a fellowship and work to help each other. If we are able to do this, then perhaps we will emerge much stronger, both as individuals, and as a people.
Best of luck to everyone in the New Year.
I have to say that yesterday was one of the worst days on record for me. It was terrible on all fronts. I missed a job interview due to the 9 inches of snow we had and the fact that people were driving 29 mph. Seriously. I got screwed over by a friend for my rent money. Work sucked due to the snow, as we were DEAD.
But what really made yesterday suck was that I found out someone very, very important to me, lied to me. It wasn't what they did that bothered me, but there is this terrible feeling you get when you realize that someone you trust has lied to you. It disrupts your whole perception of the world, and causes you to question everything. I am aware that it is common practice to not blindly trust people anymore, but this is something that I don't want to participate in. I still wish to believe the best in people until they let me down. This sets me up for crushing disappointment should something happen, but I suppose that's how life is. That is how life is in the world that I want to live in. If someone screws me over, then that was thier choice, and I shall have to live with the consequences.
It got better however. My brother stopped by to grab the keys to my place so that he could chill out and play some Xbox while his wife was visiting friends while they were in town. When I was done with work, he was jamming to some Battlefield. He left about 130AM or so.
I got a text message from the girl I am crazy about (whom is also in town) and she was going to head over. We talked a bit, but she had to work at 8AM so we headed off to bed. While I got alot to think about, I still ended up sleeping well.
